AK Xpress boarders are losers?

[KK Lee 5]

My easyJet speedy-boarding hell

EasyJet’s priority boarding option made long-legged, pointy-elbowed Matt Rudd a bad person

 

Matt Rudd

 

I have a new candidate for the world’s worst thing ever. It’s worse than traffic wardens, than call centres, than toast always landing banana side down.

 

It’s worse than paper cuts, toe stubs and missing the last train home by one minute because it left two minutes early. It’s EasyJet’s speedy boarding.

 

The name is bad enough. “Can all the speedy boarders come to the front?” inquires the schoolmistressish lady down the Tannoy, as if she were saying: “Can all the total losers come to the front?”

 

At which point, you have to come forward all urgently and pushily, and say: “I am a speedy boarder.” Thus allowing all the nonspeedy boarders trying to bundle onto the plane way before their turn to look at you hatefully and mouth the word “loser” at you as you elbow preejaculatorily past.

 

It used to be farcical. You used to speedy-board the bus, wait for everyone else to unspeedy-board, then get on the actual plane en masse. You were, in effect, paying to be first onto the bus, but last onto the plane. Now the system has been tightened.

 

Clearly, a militant gang of die-hard speedy boarders kicked up a fuss, so now you speedy-board a special bit of the bus, then speedy-board the plane as well. Some poor guy in a hi-vis jacket stands in front of the speedy-boarding door, blocking a relentless onslaught of nonspeedy boarders. He has the world’s worst job.

 

Last week, I was a speedy boarder. I’m not sure why. It just seemed like a box worth ticking at the time. And it was on the bus that I really began to regret it. I was watching as a fellow speedy boarder loudly objected to a couple of nonspeedy boarders trying to walk through the bus into the speedy-boarding section. Suddenly, life just seemed hugely depressing. Next time I go, I imagine they’ll have a glass partition down the middle of the bus. With armed guards.

 

But it’s so hard not to get involved. The sheer stress of waiting on a bus to see which doors open first, worrying constantly that your fiver was money pointlessly spent, that someone from Group B, perish the thought, might make it onto the plane before you, is surely reason enough never to be a speedy blimming boarder in the first blimming place. But I was, and I had become determined.

 

The doors nearest to us pinged open. We had a shot at actual on-plane speedy boarding – but no... a young mother and her baby were blocking our way. I waited for the mother to gather her nine million accoutrements of babying. I should probably have helped, but then I would have been stuck.

 

Mr and Mrs SB, behind me, were more ruthless. With a loud “ ’Scuse us, we are speedy boarders,” they trampled past us, over the baby, out the doors and onto the plane, knocking a few blind people and octogenarians and small, endangered animals and priceless Ming-dynasty vases off the stairs as they went. Nothing would stop Mr and Mrs SB.

 

I rushed after them, desperate to make use of my priority status, abandoning all sense of discipline and good manners. I burst onto the plane to find the only three seats with extra legroom at the front already taken. Five of the six in the middle with an inch more legroom were taken too. Curses.

 

Two of them were now occupied by the SBs, who had split cunningly into an aisle seat and a window seat, thus making the middle seat unattractive to newcomers. They were pretending not to know each other in order to have all three extra-legroom seats to themselves. SoBs.

 

The rest of the passengers were now boarding, all calmly taking their seats, all still mouthing the word “loser” at me because I’d spent the past 40 minutes in a big sweat about being first onto a plane where all the seats are the goddamn same.

 

And my wife was mouthing the word “divorce”, because they were right ... I am a loser.

 

It was then that I snapped. I abandoned my regretful wife, walked back over to the SoBs, who were still studiously avoiding eye contact with each other or anyone else, and asked if Mrs SoB in the aisle seat could let me through.

 

I had called their bluff. And this is why speedy boarding is worse, even, than your bag of shopping bursting just near your front door and your bottle of gin smashing all over your microwave curry. So wound up and unreasonable had I become, I’d made the decision to fly the three hours to Marrakesh stuck between two of the most annoying people on the planet, rather than next to my own beloved, stroppy wife.

 

It was worth it, though. I have very pointy elbows.

 

http://travel.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_a...icle3988283.ece

 

[Tamizi Hj Tamby 1]

Poor guy.I feel sorry after reading his story.

[Ewan Shamsudin 0]

I cant agree more on the 'loser' part. Ha HA HA

[Waiping 12]

During my last trip to KL I was lucky, very lucky, to stand first on the non-Xpress boarding lane. The BKI-SZX plane was delayed and was boarding just before my flight to KL. Then the annoucement came for my flight and all of a sudden everyone was rushing to the SZX gate before the annoucement finished. Now I have never seen 2 planes using the same gate in sucession in such a short time. When it was clear that the gate was a new gate, the same gate that everyone was waiting, the crowd just rushed back.

 

The problem is some Xpress boarders are really kiasu fellows. It is possible to see Xpress boarders fist-fight in order to get through the gate and on to the plane first. For non-Xpress boarder, well you ain't gonna get on the plane first anyway, so not much problem there.

[Rozhan 0]

In my experience, even if there are 80 or so people in front of me waiting to board, I always manage to get window seats. I have seen people who travel in groups 'reserving' seats next to them for their friends / family. So I think express boarding is not really necessary. However people may want it to avoid the little 'traffic jam' in the cabin when people are busy deciding where to sit and taking their own sweet time putting bags in the overhead compartments.

[Naim 6]

"AK Xpress boarders are losers?"

 

Definitely so!

[Azuddin 1]

It's not like they get in fast and get First or Business Class.

 

Azuddin

[Keith T 2]

I used Xpress Boarding when it wasn't popular yet. Worked a treat, not more than 1 other pax at any time. Got my bulkhead aisle seat with no probs. And I'd not hesitate to use it again if I ever fly AK again.

 

I get free "express/speedy boarding" on most full service airlines as it's an FFP tier benefit. And one which I highly value, especially on full flights where overhead locker space is scarce. Try flying in the US and you'd know what I mean.

Edited May 27, 2008 by Keith T

[Azuddin 1]

Try flying in the US and you'd know what I mean.

 

 

I got express boarding everytime I fly Continental. Nothing much, if I fly economy class, I can get to my seat without any hassle.

 

Azuddin

[KK Lee 5]

 

One method to beat Xpress boarding is to pay for wheel chair.

 

 

[Waiping 12]

What the?

 

[Azri M. 0]

What the?

 

 

Hmm???? Is this a joke? I tried mock booking on the same date as above... nothing like that??

[Ewan Shamsudin 0]

I think perhaps they have a limit for the number of losers express boarders in one flight.

[Robert 0]

I always use it becuase I want a seat with more leg room

 

Why does that make me a loser?

 

If AK had normal seats that a 6.1" person could fit into then its not needed.

[Pieter C. 5]

Having used 4 Easyjet flights recently from AMS, there were never more than 10 Express boarders for each of these flights...

 

Just imagine...having to pay extra to be onboard before the others (but not before families with children and/or the handicapped) and if not taking this, you still have 50 windowseats to choose from...25 each side of the plane...

IMHO, it's should be enough to check-in online, which will automatically give you a priority A with Easyjet, so plenty of seats to choose from